The Magic Fades a.k.a. The Prince Turns into a Frog

Normally, I am very realistic when it comes to expectations. I know there are things in life that I can rely on, no matter how much I wish for better situations. Such as:

Super Brother will not clean his room to my standards.
Baller will not clean his room at all.
Princess will clean only a portion of her room, and definitely not the portion that is in the selfies she posts on social media.
I know that snow melts and warm breezes don't last into fall.
I know that puppies turn into dogs, and cute little chickens crap on your patio.

I'm a realist. I've got this. But the fallout between the Princess and the Prince caught me off guard. Mostly, I think because I was in planner, helper, saver mode and somewhere lost my sense of reality. Everyone knows that young love does not often stand the test of time. Then, throw in increased responsibility, immaturity, and a pregnancy, and it's just a recipe for disaster.

Hurtful words were said, ridiculous status were updated (or liked or favorited or whatever they do on the social media it was done on), texts were swapped, and threats were made. It's hard enough wading through a heartbreak with a teenager, but when it is with someone who they are now connected to forever, it's that much more difficult.

Honestly, I don't think they were ever long term relationship bound. They liked each other and they maybe even loved each other, but they were in two seperate places, going in opposite directions. That rarely ever works.

Now, I worry about my little single momma. Now what? Will there be custody and legal fights? Will there be attorneys and court costs? Will she ever trust someone with Peanut? Will anyone ever be good enough for her in my eyes? If they are, will they be good enough for Peanut? Y'all I worry.

It's hard being a parent of a teenager. It's even harder being a parent of a pregnant teenager who broke up with her Prince because after much evaluation, he turned out to be a frog. I want to fix her hurt, and heal her pain. I can't. I've got to let her work through this issue on her own, because that's part of growing up. All I can do, is be there for her and listen as she talks (and suggest she NOT post that on Facebook).

The magic fades, and sometimes a prince turns into a frog. But sometimes, those things are for the best. The reality I see of a young woman determined to be the best mom, supporter, provider, and nurturer there has ever been makes proud. She is ok with doing it by herself, and even the realist in me believes she will succeed beyond even her expectations.

Disclaimer:
The Prince may not actually be a frog. He may, in fact, be a fine Prince. However, he has hurt my Princess, which makes him a royal poo-poo head in my court. I am not saying anyone was right or wrong or the break-up wasn't the best thing for everyone involved. We will continue to insist that everyone be polite to the frog, because he is Peanut's dad. However, we are still allowed to think not nice thoughts when in private. 

Financial Assistance for Teen Moms

Teenage mothers face a multitude of concerns. One of the biggest concerns is the financial responsibility that comes along with raising a child. This can be especially scary for someone who may not even have finished high school. How do you raise a child if you don’t even have a job?

The good news is there are government programs in place to help. Everything from medical care to college assistance is available, if you just know where to look.

The first priority is prenatal care. It is so very important to have regular prenatal checkups. This increases your chances of carrying your baby to term with the least amount of problems. The cost of delivering a baby and regular checkups can be astronomical. Most insurance plans do not cover dependent maternity benefits. This means that even if you are on mom and dad’s insurance, your pregnancy may not be covered.

Medicaid is usually an option. In most states, the income of your parents does not matter if you are 18 or younger. Being pregnant and under 18 are the only qualifications. Medicaid pays for prenatal visits, delivery, and prescriptions. Usually, there is no co-pay (or if there is one, it is less than $10). Even if you have insurance that covers your pregnancy, go ahead and sign up for Medicaid. It will take care of your co-pays and deductibles of your other insurance. It also automatically covers the baby for 1 year.

WIC is another excellent option for pregnant teens. According to its website, “The Special Supplemental Nutrition Program for Women, Infants, and Children (WIC) provides Federal grants to States for supplemental foods, health care referrals, and nutrition education for low-income pregnant, breastfeeding, and non-breastfeeding postpartum women, and to infants and children up to age five who are found to be at nutritional risk.” If you qualify for Medicaid, you automatically qualify for WIC. This allows you to receive food, formula (if you aren’t breastfeeding), and education about nutrition at no cost.

There are other state and federal programs that may be able to help you. Most of these (food stamps, TANF, etc.) are based on income and include everyone in the household’s income. You may not qualify for these programs depending on the amount of income your parents receive. However, when you apply for Medicaid, you can ask for additional information about these programs and your case worker will be happy to help you.

College is another major worry. However, there are many scholarships and grants that can help through this journey. Here is a website that focuses directly on scholarships for single moms.

Hopefully, this helps during this difficult and scary journey. If you have any ideas, please leave a comment for the other readers. 

My Advice for Moms of Pregnant Teens

So, your teenage daughter is pregnant (or your teenage son will soon be a dad), now what?

First things first, just breathe. It’s going to be ok, or it’s not. Having a fit and coming unhinged changes NOTHING. The only thing you have control of is your attitude. That’s it. Nothing else.

So, here is my non-professional advice once you find out your teenager is having a baby:

1.       Shut up and listen. I am a planner and a talker and a fixer. But I really needed to listen to what the Princess was feeling. I needed to hear what she had to say about all of this. This was not my story, this was hers. The only way I could know what she needed from me, was for her to tell me. Teens aren’t very good at sharing to begin with. If you are doing all the talking, you are never going know what’s going on in that head.

2.       DO NOT say hurtful things. If you already did, apologize. Telling her she is stupid or irresponsible, or inconsiderate, or a disappointment, or a whore or slut or a million other terrible things changes nothing. She is still your daughter and she is still pregnant. You being pissed and saying hurtful, unnecessary things won’t make her less pregnant. It only destroys your relationship with your child.

Of course, you are upset and there are things you need to say. Say them privately to someone who you trust to not say anything. Talk to your spouse or a therapist or your friends. Just be sure that you don’t allow your child to hear you vent. What you feel in the heat of the moment may be completely different than what you feel when you have had time to think about it.

3.       Be prepared for the judgment and negative talk. This is especially true if you live in a small southern town. Regardless of her decisions or your support or lack thereof, someone will disagree with you. They will say you are making bad choices. Their kids can no longer hang around with your kids (apparently pregnancy is contagious or something). It will be heartbreaking, but you will survive. Do not let other people’s opinions make your choices. Do not let someone’s negativity steal your joy. It’s not fair to you, your children, or your future grandchildren.

4.       Have the difficult talk early. The one where you discuss adoption, abortion and all the options. This is not a fun talk. Realistically, teens are not emotionally mature enough to make these decisions. You have to be there to talk to them and explain all of the options and consequences of each of those choices. Abortion is not an option for our family, but it was a question I asked anyway. The reality is, it isn’t my choice. It’s not my body or my future or my heartbreak. Thankfully, it wasn’t the choice she made. Neither was adoption.

Once you have had the conversation and your daughter has made a choice, it is time to talk about things like school, doctors, college, and future plans. Have these talks early and often. Things are constantly changing and plans can be adjusted, but communication is a must. Pretending like she’s not pregnant for 9 months doesn’t help anyone.

This journey is going to be a tough one. There are so many options and opinions and choices that it can make your head spin off. There are hormones and mood swings and fear and anxiety. Your world will be turned upside down. If you decide to love your daughter or son through this, it will work out. There will be heartbreak and you will grieve for the childhood that is lost; but you get to watch your young lady grow into a mother. You will have an opportunity to experience a great blessing that each child is.

And if you decide that you want to disown your kid and kick them out, please know that I think you are a piece of shit. Just wanted you to know. J

Linked up at the Following Blogs:

This Momma's Rambling - Turn it Up Tuesday
A Momma's Story  - Momma Moments Monday

The Story of Us and How Nanna Came to Be Part 2

If you missed part 1, you can find it here.

So, Princess is 16 and pregnant and I’m shocked. I thank God each day for the words he gave me early that morning. I simply said “Ok. Now what?” I didn’t scream or fight or say hurtful things. I was upset. I was heartbroken. I wanted to cry, but I didn’t. I kept my composure and we moved forward.

Fast forward a week later and the Princess moved back home. Oh, how our world turned upside down. There was renewed drama. What would typically be 16 year old girl drama was compounded by pregnancy hormones and the fact she could no longer take her ADHD and anti-depression medicine. There were tears and loud sighs. Princess was used to making her own rules at BD’s (that’s Biological Dad in case you forgot) house. Now she was back in our home with our “Unreasonable” rules (her words, not mine). But, she was back in our home.

We did the typical pregnancy stuff. Sonograms, OB-GYN visits, heartbeats, and due dates. The Prince was right along in tow for it all. The blob on the sonogram was the size of a peanut, so our Peanut got a nickname. And then, something amazing happened. I fell in love. I fell in love with a blob on a screen that we call Peanut. And y’all, it’s amazing. It’s different than what I felt for my own kiddos, but it’s pure, true love.

Peanut will make an arrival on January 28, 2016!!

My advice to anyone in this situation is to remember, once you say something, it can only be forgiven, not forgotten. I’m so thankful that I never said anything hurtful to Princess. I’m proud that our relationship has grown stronger because of this pregnancy and my reaction. It hasn’t been easy. In fact, it’s been really hard. I just know that even though I’m becoming a Nanna sooner than I had hoped, Peanut is a blessing and will be treated like nothing less.

The Story of Us and How Nanna Came to Be Part 1

Once upon a time, there was a happy little family that lived in the South. There was a Daddy (HHBL), a Momma (that’s me y’all), a teenage girl (Princess), a teenage boy (Baller), and a younger boy (Super Brother).  

Princess went to live with her Biological Dad (I have a nickname for him, but I’m trying to keep it PG so we will just call him BD). Princess was living with BD because his rules are much more laid back than mine and HHBL’s. It was what she wanted and frankly, I just wanted peace, so we wished her all the best and kept our fingers crossed. She moved in with BD in April of 2014. It broke my heart. We felt like we were a man down, but there was peace. Y’all, girls are hard. Really, really hard. Options, like moving when BD, only make it harder. We struggled with whether we were making a wise decision. We dealt with judgment and condemnation and felt alone in our decision. And we didn’t see the Princess until October. For 15 years, the Princess had been by my side and suddenly, she was barely taking my calls. It was heartbreaking and I was destroyed.

Poor decisions were being made by both Princess and BD. I couldn’t do a thing about it. I just hoped and prayed and cried that she would be wise. I was thankful that the drama was gone, but I missed my baby. I just wanted to rewind time and change something, anything, to make her come home.

Then, something amazing happened…..Princess met a Prince, and she wanted him to meet her family. We loved him, but even more than that, we loved that we were seeing her. She was coming home EVERY weekend. It was wonderful. Life was good. Me and Princess would go shopping together, watch movies together, and just talk. I was loving it.

Then, Princess shows up at 8 am one Sunday morning. Of course, y’all with teenagers know that one being up that early is a miracle. She needed to talk. I was prepared. She must want to move back home, or maybe she needs money, or could it just be that BD is being a poo poo head and she needs some advice. Nope. She was pregnant. She had a pregnancy test to prove it.

My mind raced. What do I say? What do I do?

Stay tuned for part 2.